When it is time to walk away.

One of the most under-rated words in any language is the word “no”, because it provides perfect clarity that you will stop doing something. It’s the declaration that you will walk away.

Now it doesn’t so much mean that you will leave a hole in your life (well, maybe just a little bit..). In the long run it means that you will change course, and that you will continue with something else that will give you the excitement that you need to stay interested.

I always thought that the situations to say “no” were the “screaming in your face instances” where it is obvious without a doubt that not changing course would lead to severe loss or harm. But over the years I have come to realize that this was the wrong assumption.

If you’re in a job that you don’t like, or if you’re in a relationship that goes nowhere, or if you live in a town that hasn’t much to offer. Then it’s very easy to say “no”, and when you look back you will always think the same: I should have done this way sooner.

But what about the situations where things are not great, but they are not terribly bad either. Let’s say that you have settled for a job, where you have reached a plateau and where you earn enough to live comfortably. There is no harm in not changing course, but you are not exactly making progress either. How do you decide in such a situation to say “no”?

I really think that these are the more tricky situations, and in a way they are like a bad movie. It’s not so bad that you stop watching, but there isn’t much surprise and excitement, and the ending falls completely flat. It’s the entertainment that’s “just good enough”, and that seems a very poor way to live your life by.

And you might just say like, “well, that’s part of life”, or, “a part of life is just to settle for something”. (and let this sink in….!). Really!?

And I’m no exception, because I’m square in the middle of it. But what made me decide to go along with this was the very simple fact that not saying “no” provides maximum financial security for my family.

But I fully realize that this isn’t much of a reason not to say “no”. And maybe there is something to it to just simplify situations like these into something like this: “if it’s not a yesyesyes!, then it’s time to say no”.

I really think there is something there, and it made me think about the ways to execute “no”. I always thought that “no” has to be a radical act, but I realized that it might just as well be a slow burn.

If you are working towards turning things around, while sticking with the old for just a while longer. That’s what I would call a “slow burn no”. It may turn into a “radical no” when it’s time to actually take the leap, but until then: slow and steady is the way to go.

The most obvious “no” is of course your day-job, a little less obvious are where you live, or who you associate with. The least obvious, and maybe the hardst “no” is that of your “moon-shot”, because by definition that’s something that is extremely hard, so it also makes it extremely hard to figure out whether you are getting ahead.

And this is what I figured out over the years: I have become quicker to say “no” in case of “moon-shots”, and I wish I had done so sooner. In all other cases, my “no” is more of a slow-burn, until it’s time to get radical.

Why everyone should pursue their “moon-shots”

When I entered working life it wasn’t after long that I realized that there were a million “traps”. There are the office politics, social games and frustrations of all sorts. That’s just a few. One of the biggest traps was to expect the job to get you the feeling of “accomplishment” that we all need to keep on going on a day to day basis.

A job can’t give you that. A job is first and foremost about money. If you put too much stock in a job, then you put the bar way too high. Then every day needs to better than the one before. And that’s just not sustainable.

Well, that’s just one of the things that you have to figure out the hard way. I did at least. And I learned my lesson, because it all changed when I made the following conscious decision: I will work 40 hours for my paid job, and 20 hours for my moon-shot.

So what I call a “moon-shot” is the “wildly ambitious”. It’s my version of being an astronaut. It’s the one thing that so outrageously hard to accomplish that it’s almost impossible. So what is that? Well. Initially--- I thought that it would be to conquer “psychology” or “philosophy”, even though I knew in the back of my mind what I wanted to get a go at.

That’s when I started writing, and as it is with everything that you just start: the first stuff was pretty bad. I called it literature, because there was no story from a to b, and it wasn’t really about something. Then my uncle told me that a story should be simple, not a puzzle. I took it to heart, and started looking for examples.

That’s how I ended up getting back into Stephen King. It had always been down my alley, because it had always been “around”. Also side-ways, because I grew up watching The X-Files and all that. And it just so happens to be that Stephen King is a really good writer. The stories are easy to follow along, because they follow an easy structure and use easy words.

So that’s what I started to lean into for the next five years or so. I published 5 novels. Then after they all fell flat on publication, I realized that I had to get a hold of marketing. So for the next two years I tried YouTube. Got some data-points, but time is scarce, and I can’t act on them now. So here I am: back to this old blog, twitter and reddit.

The dream is still there though. I still call it a “moon-shot”, but my whole point is that I would never have been able to pursue those ambitions if I hadn’t dedicated the time and resources to them in the first place. And more importantly, even though I haven’t achieved any success, my moon-shots have given me more of a feeling of accomplishment than my job ever has. And that’s a big take-away, also for me.

So this is my advise to anyone who has just entered the work-force: 40 hours for the job, and 20 hours towards your moon-shot. Your “moon-shot” is where you will find your “true fulfillment”.

What living abroad for 10+ years has taught me

 

 

Let’s start with the good stuff, because there definitely is that element of my life having move forward in ways that I could never have imagined. There is the wife, the kids, the house, two cars and a life of luxury that I would never have imagined.

It is after all most of the reason why I stayed for so long. Initially my plan was to just live abroad for 3 years, and then to return home. Then I settled in, three years became five, then ten, and now at twelve years I both make up the score and have like this grand view that I never imagined that I would have had before.

A year ago I made a very serious effort to return home, but despite what everyone tells you about the job market (jobs everywhere!) there is this gnarly part that no one discusses. There is the part of wages being pretty much what they were about 10+ years ago, but what has gone through the roof is cost of living. But this is what I want to end with, so more on that later.

The one big thing that living abroad for so long has gotten me is perspective. I literally removed myself from one culture and implanted myself in a culture that’s in many ways very different. There is this little psychological mechanism that we tend to prefer what we are exposed to, and I think that all the ins and outs of the culture that we grew up in are just some of the areas where this applies.

And I think that the effect of this most of all is that I believe that it has made me more “aware”, for lack of a better term. So for example, when I went into college the going was to just “do something you like”. Which in itself is solid advise, but what it completely misses is the very practical effect of making enough to live comfortably.

So for the first five years of my working live, I lived in derelict buildings that were designated “below current standards”. I didn’t have a car, because I couldn’t afford one. I had no savings, and most notably I lived paycheck to paycheck. And I without a doubt believed that this was normal, because everyone I knew went through the same thing.

And this became one of the big differences when I moved abroad: I continued living like I did (well below my means), and I ended up being able to build a decent living. Had I stayed at home, this would not have happened, or at least not to this extent.

But this only happened because I “stuck it out”, because there were those bouts of feeling homesick that all expats go through. It comes in waves that get smaller over time. I thought they would disappear over time, but I figured out that they don’t.

The easy thing would be to give in to those “waves” when they come, and that’s what I have seen frequently over the years. But that’s not how life works. Live is about doing the hard things, because that’s ultimately the only thing that makes a difference. It’s the easy that is sometimes cringe, but the hard things always have this vibe of “but at least I tried”.

And that’s also why living abroad has allowed me to explore my moon-shots. These are the big ambitious projects that will only pay off in the future, if they pay off. Sometimes my wife likes me to spend more time with her, but I always tell her that “at least I’m not wasting away doing nothing”. She buys into it a bit, but totally get that she doesn’t see the pay-off as yet.

But those moon-shots are really essential towards doubling down on something that’s really hard. I figured out pretty quick that I don’t want that in my job, because then it quickly becomes a burden. A job should be a challenge and give some fulfillment, but it shouldn’t be a major fulfillment.

The “major fulfillment” is more about the important stuff, like the family that you build and also about the moon-shot that you can pour a lot of time, effort and energy into. Just to give you an idea: I spent a few years “getting into psychology/philosophy, taking courses”, I spent five years learning to “write like Stephen King” and I published 5 novels, I spend 2 years getting into YouTube, and my current moon-shot is to start something online that has “a larger impact on humanity”.

I’m still in the figuring out the process. At first I thought that it would all depend on digital marketing, but I’m starting to realize that it’s way more nuanced than just that. I believe that it’s going to depend on gathering a whole lot of “data-points” that will give an indication of “what works”. But it’s also about balance, because there has to be that element of just creating something that I fully believe in.

My best case scenario long-term: the “data-points” allow me to make “something that people want”, freeing up bandwidth (and a percentage of my audience) towards what I really want to do long-term, which is to expand my fictional universe and to continue writing.

And that brings me back to my “general feeling” and conclusion way in the beginning. About two years ago I was struck by this profound wave of feeling home-sick, so I started exploring job opportunities back home. That’s when I realized that we are in a recession, even though there are a lot of job openings. Wages have stayed so far behind with the cost of living that the financial step back would be a huge financial sacrifice.

Now before you write me off: “this dude is just complaining about living the life in paradise”. I’m just being real, and if you would put yourself in my shoes then you might have made the same decision. It’s the difference between letting my kids grow up in wealth and abundance, versus stress and struggle. And putting it like that makes it very obvious that going back home simply isn’t an option at this point in time.

And yes, moving forward in life always depends on “re-inventing yourself”. And yes, sometimes you have to be willing to put things on the line. But also, you have to be practical, and there will have to be enough indicators that what your moving towards is a pivot and not a nose-dive.

So these in so many words are the three things that living abroad has gotten me: 1) a comfortable life, 2) the grit to make the hard choice, and 3) time to explore moon-shots.