When it is time to walk away.

One of the most under-rated words in any language is the word “no”, because it provides perfect clarity that you will stop doing something. It’s the declaration that you will walk away.

Now it doesn’t so much mean that you will leave a hole in your life (well, maybe just a little bit..). In the long run it means that you will change course, and that you will continue with something else that will give you the excitement that you need to stay interested.

I always thought that the situations to say “no” were the “screaming in your face instances” where it is obvious without a doubt that not changing course would lead to severe loss or harm. But over the years I have come to realize that this was the wrong assumption.

If you’re in a job that you don’t like, or if you’re in a relationship that goes nowhere, or if you live in a town that hasn’t much to offer. Then it’s very easy to say “no”, and when you look back you will always think the same: I should have done this way sooner.

But what about the situations where things are not great, but they are not terribly bad either. Let’s say that you have settled for a job, where you have reached a plateau and where you earn enough to live comfortably. There is no harm in not changing course, but you are not exactly making progress either. How do you decide in such a situation to say “no”?

I really think that these are the more tricky situations, and in a way they are like a bad movie. It’s not so bad that you stop watching, but there isn’t much surprise and excitement, and the ending falls completely flat. It’s the entertainment that’s “just good enough”, and that seems a very poor way to live your life by.

And you might just say like, “well, that’s part of life”, or, “a part of life is just to settle for something”. (and let this sink in….!). Really!?

And I’m no exception, because I’m square in the middle of it. But what made me decide to go along with this was the very simple fact that not saying “no” provides maximum financial security for my family.

But I fully realize that this isn’t much of a reason not to say “no”. And maybe there is something to it to just simplify situations like these into something like this: “if it’s not a yesyesyes!, then it’s time to say no”.

I really think there is something there, and it made me think about the ways to execute “no”. I always thought that “no” has to be a radical act, but I realized that it might just as well be a slow burn.

If you are working towards turning things around, while sticking with the old for just a while longer. That’s what I would call a “slow burn no”. It may turn into a “radical no” when it’s time to actually take the leap, but until then: slow and steady is the way to go.

The most obvious “no” is of course your day-job, a little less obvious are where you live, or who you associate with. The least obvious, and maybe the hardst “no” is that of your “moon-shot”, because by definition that’s something that is extremely hard, so it also makes it extremely hard to figure out whether you are getting ahead.

And this is what I figured out over the years: I have become quicker to say “no” in case of “moon-shots”, and I wish I had done so sooner. In all other cases, my “no” is more of a slow-burn, until it’s time to get radical.

Why everyone should pursue their “moon-shots”

When I entered working life it wasn’t after long that I realized that there were a million “traps”. There are the office politics, social games and frustrations of all sorts. That’s just a few. One of the biggest traps was to expect the job to get you the feeling of “accomplishment” that we all need to keep on going on a day to day basis.

A job can’t give you that. A job is first and foremost about money. If you put too much stock in a job, then you put the bar way too high. Then every day needs to better than the one before. And that’s just not sustainable.

Well, that’s just one of the things that you have to figure out the hard way. I did at least. And I learned my lesson, because it all changed when I made the following conscious decision: I will work 40 hours for my paid job, and 20 hours for my moon-shot.

So what I call a “moon-shot” is the “wildly ambitious”. It’s my version of being an astronaut. It’s the one thing that so outrageously hard to accomplish that it’s almost impossible. So what is that? Well. Initially--- I thought that it would be to conquer “psychology” or “philosophy”, even though I knew in the back of my mind what I wanted to get a go at.

That’s when I started writing, and as it is with everything that you just start: the first stuff was pretty bad. I called it literature, because there was no story from a to b, and it wasn’t really about something. Then my uncle told me that a story should be simple, not a puzzle. I took it to heart, and started looking for examples.

That’s how I ended up getting back into Stephen King. It had always been down my alley, because it had always been “around”. Also side-ways, because I grew up watching The X-Files and all that. And it just so happens to be that Stephen King is a really good writer. The stories are easy to follow along, because they follow an easy structure and use easy words.

So that’s what I started to lean into for the next five years or so. I published 5 novels. Then after they all fell flat on publication, I realized that I had to get a hold of marketing. So for the next two years I tried YouTube. Got some data-points, but time is scarce, and I can’t act on them now. So here I am: back to this old blog, twitter and reddit.

The dream is still there though. I still call it a “moon-shot”, but my whole point is that I would never have been able to pursue those ambitions if I hadn’t dedicated the time and resources to them in the first place. And more importantly, even though I haven’t achieved any success, my moon-shots have given me more of a feeling of accomplishment than my job ever has. And that’s a big take-away, also for me.

So this is my advise to anyone who has just entered the work-force: 40 hours for the job, and 20 hours towards your moon-shot. Your “moon-shot” is where you will find your “true fulfillment”.

What living abroad for 10+ years has taught me

 

 

Let’s start with the good stuff, because there definitely is that element of my life having move forward in ways that I could never have imagined. There is the wife, the kids, the house, two cars and a life of luxury that I would never have imagined.

It is after all most of the reason why I stayed for so long. Initially my plan was to just live abroad for 3 years, and then to return home. Then I settled in, three years became five, then ten, and now at twelve years I both make up the score and have like this grand view that I never imagined that I would have had before.

A year ago I made a very serious effort to return home, but despite what everyone tells you about the job market (jobs everywhere!) there is this gnarly part that no one discusses. There is the part of wages being pretty much what they were about 10+ years ago, but what has gone through the roof is cost of living. But this is what I want to end with, so more on that later.

The one big thing that living abroad for so long has gotten me is perspective. I literally removed myself from one culture and implanted myself in a culture that’s in many ways very different. There is this little psychological mechanism that we tend to prefer what we are exposed to, and I think that all the ins and outs of the culture that we grew up in are just some of the areas where this applies.

And I think that the effect of this most of all is that I believe that it has made me more “aware”, for lack of a better term. So for example, when I went into college the going was to just “do something you like”. Which in itself is solid advise, but what it completely misses is the very practical effect of making enough to live comfortably.

So for the first five years of my working live, I lived in derelict buildings that were designated “below current standards”. I didn’t have a car, because I couldn’t afford one. I had no savings, and most notably I lived paycheck to paycheck. And I without a doubt believed that this was normal, because everyone I knew went through the same thing.

And this became one of the big differences when I moved abroad: I continued living like I did (well below my means), and I ended up being able to build a decent living. Had I stayed at home, this would not have happened, or at least not to this extent.

But this only happened because I “stuck it out”, because there were those bouts of feeling homesick that all expats go through. It comes in waves that get smaller over time. I thought they would disappear over time, but I figured out that they don’t.

The easy thing would be to give in to those “waves” when they come, and that’s what I have seen frequently over the years. But that’s not how life works. Live is about doing the hard things, because that’s ultimately the only thing that makes a difference. It’s the easy that is sometimes cringe, but the hard things always have this vibe of “but at least I tried”.

And that’s also why living abroad has allowed me to explore my moon-shots. These are the big ambitious projects that will only pay off in the future, if they pay off. Sometimes my wife likes me to spend more time with her, but I always tell her that “at least I’m not wasting away doing nothing”. She buys into it a bit, but totally get that she doesn’t see the pay-off as yet.

But those moon-shots are really essential towards doubling down on something that’s really hard. I figured out pretty quick that I don’t want that in my job, because then it quickly becomes a burden. A job should be a challenge and give some fulfillment, but it shouldn’t be a major fulfillment.

The “major fulfillment” is more about the important stuff, like the family that you build and also about the moon-shot that you can pour a lot of time, effort and energy into. Just to give you an idea: I spent a few years “getting into psychology/philosophy, taking courses”, I spent five years learning to “write like Stephen King” and I published 5 novels, I spend 2 years getting into YouTube, and my current moon-shot is to start something online that has “a larger impact on humanity”.

I’m still in the figuring out the process. At first I thought that it would all depend on digital marketing, but I’m starting to realize that it’s way more nuanced than just that. I believe that it’s going to depend on gathering a whole lot of “data-points” that will give an indication of “what works”. But it’s also about balance, because there has to be that element of just creating something that I fully believe in.

My best case scenario long-term: the “data-points” allow me to make “something that people want”, freeing up bandwidth (and a percentage of my audience) towards what I really want to do long-term, which is to expand my fictional universe and to continue writing.

And that brings me back to my “general feeling” and conclusion way in the beginning. About two years ago I was struck by this profound wave of feeling home-sick, so I started exploring job opportunities back home. That’s when I realized that we are in a recession, even though there are a lot of job openings. Wages have stayed so far behind with the cost of living that the financial step back would be a huge financial sacrifice.

Now before you write me off: “this dude is just complaining about living the life in paradise”. I’m just being real, and if you would put yourself in my shoes then you might have made the same decision. It’s the difference between letting my kids grow up in wealth and abundance, versus stress and struggle. And putting it like that makes it very obvious that going back home simply isn’t an option at this point in time.

And yes, moving forward in life always depends on “re-inventing yourself”. And yes, sometimes you have to be willing to put things on the line. But also, you have to be practical, and there will have to be enough indicators that what your moving towards is a pivot and not a nose-dive.

So these in so many words are the three things that living abroad has gotten me: 1) a comfortable life, 2) the grit to make the hard choice, and 3) time to explore moon-shots.

How to lower base-line anxiety

 

These days it seems like more people are struggling than ever before. Even people who are financially stable and all that. The sort of struggle that I’m getting at here is more like a storm that rages on the inside. And it’s sort of a taboo to really talk about this, but there are just so many people these days who can’t exactly put their finger on the why-------. I’ll try.

It’s the feeling of being stressed. The sort of feeling that always seems to stick around, and rear its head when most inconvenient. It’s the feeling of that beyond what can be considered to be ‘reasonable’. It’s the feeling of not ‘wanting’ to do things. It’s the feeling of sometimes wanting to not go out and do anything at all. It’s all of those things.

Let’s jump back in time, and tell me if this is true. When you were a kid you never had this. You were just cheerful and in the moment. There was excitement, but no stress. There was wonder, and awe. There was high pitch energy. Sometimes there were scares and fears----of monsters in the dark. And you know the secret: all of that is still there. It’s just covered under a layer of many years.

So what has changed since you were a young kid? Is unmitigated excitement, happiness and energy just something of bygone days? Is it reasonable that a large chunk of it has just been replaced by a baseline stress that runs like a dark undercurrent? Is this just maturation? Is this to be expected?

Let’s rewind. Happiness, energy, kid. Everyone knows that we are all shaped by our surroundings. Family. School. Friends. And to a lesser extent by society. What if the impact of the last one is way larger than you initially think: and then not just values and norms about behavior, in their most basic forms. What if you can somehow tweak this to your benefit, in such a way that the dark undercurrent practically disappears?

Lets zoom out, and remove some of those behavioral norms that we have lived by after being a young kid. Most likely you started ingesting caffeinated coffee, you started ingesting alcohol in various forms, you started doing high intensity sports to level yourself out and to feel good.

So started experimenting about a decade ago: I switched to decaf in the morning, utilizing caffeine only to dodge the dip in the afternoon. I cut back on alcohol to only the weekends, which helped a great deal. Then a few months ago I switched to only sporadic use. I also cut back on high intensity sports, only once a week. I added strength training to boost testosterone. All of that lowered my baseline stress, and increased my overall energy.

The science behind all of this seems to be trickling in, but to me there’s the bigger logic of going back to some of the lifestyle from when I was a kid. And I think this is an easy enough strategy that works well enough for most enough: when stuck, go back to earlier parts of your life and figure out what was working better back then.

It helped me a great deal, and with most of these things: I wish I started this life-style adjustment much sooner.

 

Get more results by doing less.

What if I told you about a way to get better results, and it involves doing less? In fact, it involves doing nothing--------at least for a while. This, in so many words, is the art of not forcing: it comes down to giving things more time to get insights, ideas, inspiration and clarity------and to make the right decision when you find yourself in the middle of a crossroad.

It is tied to this expression that you must know as well: time will tell. It’s another one of my favorites. We all know this from experience: initially things look one way, but then over time it looks like something totally different. And it applies as wide as the art of not forcing: a person whom you just met, a job opportunity, a career path, a place to live and even more everyday things like clothes, books, series, movies and computer games.

I wish I had known about the art of not forcing when I was younger, because there are so many examples from my past where I have thought back and was like: if only I gave it some more time. It will not only help you to not make the wrong the decision, but it also ties in to something that’s very practical: it will keep you from wasting time and money on things that are not important. 

That’s why I would suggest that giving things time is an essential part of the art of not forcing. And it gets even better than that. Have you ever had this feeling for a longer period of time where you were like: if I only met someone. And then as soon as you let go of that feeling, when you started focusing more on yourself and having a good time--------that’s when you finally meet someone really interesting. 

That’s also the art of not forcing. Because if you try too hard, then you become an artificial version of yourself. And this is just something that people pick up on. They might not be able to say what exactly doesn’t seem right, but the most that they will be able to say is something like “something seems off”, or “this ain’t real”, or the blunt one “this ain’t natural”. 

The art of not forcing doesn’t mean that you should stop trying to get better every day. It means that you try to find that delicate balance where you try to get better each and every day, but where you don’t try so hard that you stretch yourself out too thin. It’s like this French cheese where you need to have a good thick layer in order to experience the full flavor. And meeting someone in a romantic way is just a small part of all this. 

You will meet more interesting people in general, you will come across opportunities and life will become way richer because of that. And when you have mastered the art of not forcing, you need to lean in on the ability to recognize opportunities when they come along. 

Where it comes to opportunities, I always keep this in the back of my mind: they will come by, there will be a few people who talk about it and there’s a short window where you can act on it. I’m not necessarily referring to the people close around you, but in order to recognize the really big opportunities you will need to go online. Follow different folks. Figure out who is real from who is not. And you will need to keep in the back of your mind that most people have not mastered the art of not forcing, so those people will not have millions of views, but it will be in the tens, the hundreds or a few thousand. And you might be one of those people, because you have it in your hands whether you will master the art of not forcing.
I wish I had known about the art of not forcing when I was younger, because there are so many examples from my past where I have thought back and was like: if only I gave it some more time. It will not only help you to not make the wrong the decision, but it also ties in to something that’s very practical: it will keep you from wasting time and money on things that are not important. That’s why I would suggest that giving things time is an essential part of the art of not forcing. And it gets even better than that. Have you ever had this feeling for a longer period of time where you were like: if I only met someone. And then as soon as you let go of that feeling, when you started focusing more on yourself and having a good time--------that’s when you finally meet someone really interesting. That’s also the art of not forcing. Because if you try too hard, then you become an artificial version of yourself. And this is just something that people pick up on. They might not be able to say what exactly doesn’t seem right, but the most that they will be able to say is something like “something seems off”, or “this ain’t real”, or the blunt one “this ain’t natural”. The art of not forcing doesn’t mean that you should stop trying to get better every day. It means that you try to find that delicate balance where you try to get better each and every day, but where you don’t try so hard that you stretch yourself out too thin. It’s like this French cheese where you need to have a good thick layer in order to experience the full flavor. And meeting someone in a romantic way is just a small part of all this. You will meet more interesting people in general, you will come across opportunities and life will become way richer because of that. And when you have mastered the art of not forcing, you need to lean in on the ability to recognize opportunities when they come along.  

Where it comes to opportunities, I always keep this in the back of my mind: they will come by, there will be a few people who talk about it and there’s a short window where you can act on it. 

I’m not necessarily referring to the people close around you, but in order to recognize the really big opportunities you will need to go online. Follow different folks. Figure out who is real from who is not. And you will need to keep in the back of your mind that most people have not mastered the art of not forcing, so those people will not have millions of views, but it will be in the tens, the hundreds or a few thousand. And you might be one of those people, because you have it in your hands whether you will master the art of not forcing.

 

Why alone-time is hugely underrated

Let me describe a setting and a situation, and then you reply from your most honest self whether this was you in the past, and whether a part of that is still you. By nature I have never really been the most social person in the room. I was always one of the alt-kids, one of the cool kids who seemed to be into stuff that the majority didn’t really get. So back in the days that was Nirvana, Radiohead, Blink 182 and the related cool stuff like the Tom Green Show, The X-Files, The Matrix 1 and everything in between.

In high school that was all okay and cool, in college it rolled well too, and then in ‘real-life’, ‘working-life’ it takes you a while to fit in-------trial and error, until you sort of find your groove. Then when you look back at some old photos you think like I gained some, and I lost some. Initially that’s where that thought sticks, but then after a while you realize that there’s more going on and you refine the thought into something like I gained some, I lost some and I returned to some.

When I was a young kid I always felt good about myself, and that’s most of the feeling that I returned to over the years. When I was a kid I preferred to spend time either by myself, or with a few friends. That’s it. I never was one for very large groups, even though I found my way with it later on. But that’s not really what I’m getting at here. At the heart of all this is that I genuinely enjoyed spending time by myself when I was young, and over the years society somehow instilled that feeling that this is not okay.

I enjoy my alone-time. I cherish my alone time. It’s one of the parts of the day that I always look forward to, and which truly gets me to recharge my batteries. It in no way means that I do not love my family and all the other people around me, but it just means that I’m a better version of myself if I can have a chunk of alone-time to retreat, regroup and then re-engage.

There is one thing though that most people think of, when they think of alone-time-----and that is boredom. I keep on returning to my 12-year old self as a bench-mark. When you were bored as a 12-year old, what did you do? Well, sometimes I was bored, but it was always for a short while, and I would always find something to do. And I believe the same applies to most people. It’s just that boredom has this bad rep, in that you are better off doing something ‘useful’ instead of being bored.

I will admit though that unmitigated boredom is bad, and even detrimental. If you truly don’t know what to do with your time, then you are better off in any job or any activity that helps you to pass the time. I think that this is the exception, but there’s this sort of reflex that gets you to never reach that point. By engaging in social media, you never fully reach that point of boredom-------and you never reap its benefits.

That’s where it gets interesting, and where I surprise myself every time. The alone-time, the boredom, the ‘doing-nothing’ always ends up helping you to solve the bigger questions and bigger challenges in your life. If you just take one day off, partially as alone-time, partially spending time with family, partially reading up on things that you normally don’t read up on, and partly being bored. At the end of all that you will always have gained a new perspective that you simply didn’t have before.

How to prepare for an amazing week

You must know the statement that luck favors the prepared. It’s one of my favorite statements of all time because there’s some truth in it, but it’s not a prime directive that you can use word for word. We all need a little luck from time to time, but that doesn’t mean that we should just sit around and wait for things to magically happen.

That’s why I just love that statement, because it seems to be very simple-----but when you let it sink in, it’s about much more than meets the eye. This doesn’t mean though that there are no people out there who simply believe in luck-------maybe you remember that statement of Elon Musk, where he says that he believes that most people tend to default to wishful thinking.

I will admit that it’s a nice enough thought for things to magically happen, but it’s simply not how life works. If you compare it to this statement of Stephen King, then you are really on to something. He said something to the effects of ‘success is 1% inspiration and 99% hard work’.

These are all nice starting points, and they all underline the importance of putting in the effort. Now imagine that you don’t just work hard, but that you also work smart; then you are really on to something. That’s where planning and preparation come in, which will allow you to divide your energies and to actually work smart. And this is more of a skill than anything else. I would even go so far as to state that this is a hopeful statement, because it just underlines that the playing field is much more leveled than we might initially think. In other words: if you are well prepared, great things are more likely to happen.

But it will take some time to really see the value in this. And that’s okay, because life is a journey where you pick up new knowledge and skills along the way. So I will be the first to tell you that I didn’t start out this way, but when I realized that proper planning and preparation would make a huge difference-------that’s when I was sold on the entire idea.

When I just started out in my career I was working from home at night---------every night. This was detrimental to my private life, and I even had a few failed relationships because of that. It wasn’t just the time, but it was also my overall energy that was being drained over time: I had too little off-time to recharge my batteries. Then I made this commitment: I will only work from home on Sunday-evening for 2 hours max.

This meant high intensity in a short burst of 2 hours, and it worked. I no longer needed the overtime during the week (which was also unpaid), and in return I got a lot more free time. Much later I read that this same principle isn’t just used in my profession, but that it’s also being used by people who are way higher up in the chain: the most successful people that you can think of do this as well. That’s why you should try this for yourself, because it will help you become more successful in any pursuit, at any level, at any time.

I recommend that you stick to two hours on Sunday night, because that will usually be the most of high intensity Deep Work that most of us are capable of. This is what you should do during those 2 hours:
- make a plan for the week,
- make brief notes for all the activities that you will have to do during the week (so notes for an article, notes for a presentation, notes for documents that need to be sent, etc etc.).
- And while you do this, you should consider something called NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), where you imagine yourself in a situation, going through all the motions and in a way prep your mind for what lies ahead, as well as any obstacles and how best to deal with those.

The huge reason for sticking to those two hours has to do with urgency: because you have limited the time available for each task, you will need to move quick. To put it another way, you can’t afford for inspiration to strike. So if you’re not entirely sure on how to carry out a task-------make a few notes on what you do know, and what’s complicated about the obstacles in your way. By doing this, you will prime your mind, and when you have made a note to continue to work this out in more detail, on let’s say a Wednesday, your mind will already have been working on this in the background.