Where to direct your energies

Great things can be borne out of frustration, or they may never see the light of day. Deep frustration can be a force of creation, if you let. It can also go the other way, and turn into bitterness, regret and the realm of lost opportunities.

What you let it do is up to you. If you let it consume you, it will be the end of you. If you channel it towards the future, then it can be the fuel that will get you to the moon. 

And yes, I’m fully aware of equity, that bad things have happened to you, that you had it tough, that it was unfair and all of that. There is a time and place for that. You can lick your wounds. It will help to heal. 

But once the wounds are dry, then you have to do the most badass thing possible: and that is to go out there, to go harder than you ever went before, to dig deeper, and to forge a path were none existed. 

Your “deep frustration” will be your strength, it will be what will be your “super-power” until you have put a fly-wheel together. And by that time, well, then you will forgotten all about your frustration, and all that you to do then is to ride the big fat wave. And ride it well. Ride it as hard as you can, as far as you can, and for as long as you can.

This is my super-power, because I force myself to direct my “frustrations” (we all have them, I’m no different from you!). I think about it during “worry-time”, during the odd mornings or moments that I can dedicate to “coffee and contemplation”. 

Then I think about it some more during a work-out, or when it feels like the boulder that I’m pushing to the top of the hill—----that it will never get there. That’s when I dig in, that’s when I dig deep, that’s when I tell myself that this is my super-power, that this is my “little secret”, and that this will be what will get me to accomplish everything that I want out of the future for me and my family.

It’s all there, and it’s all there for the take. Life is a positive-sum game. Meaning: everyone can win, according to their terms. It’s like the rising tide that lifts all boats. It’s about having you sail up when there’s a huge gust of wind. It’s all of those things. And it’s up to you to take advantage of all of this, but the way to get there is to “direct” your “energies” and “frustrations” (actually, they are the same thing!). And then, boooooooom, a few years down, and your life looks totally different. Now, ain’t that something!? 

 

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Nothing like a good default.

Optimizing life and all that are a dread, and vastly overrated. Not so much because there is nothing to it. But more so because there isn’t that much that has to be said about the matter. If you got your life figured out then all the rest (“productivity”) will sort of fall into place.

I’m not much for listicles, rigid protocols and all that. But strategies, and grand ideas: tell me more. So for a strategy to work, it has to be simple. Meaning, it has to be as simple as possible, and still work.

That’s why I always like to think in terms of if it’s not a “yes yes yes”, then the answer is “no”. And sort of in line with that is my more general take on activities: if it’s not a “yes yes yes”, then I just tend to go to the “default”.

The “default” is the thing that you have done a million times. It’s what always works. It may not be what will give you big results, but it will get the ball rolling.

The “default” is what I apply to food, sports, relaxation, and time-slots to chip away at my “moon-shots”. So for breakfast if I’m in a rush: default is oats + apples. Default for exercise when I want to move but the weather ain’t all that: calisthenics in the yard. Default for relaxation: yt, in the afternoon with a few shots of espresso. Default for “moon-shots”: continue where I left off, resist the temptation to “read things over” or to “come up with ideas”.

Then once I find my groove doing the default, then it’s time to go “deep” and to double down. It’s at the times that come after the default that the truly remarkable stuff happens. That’s why I always try to chip away or do one remarkable thing that contributes to the larger mission. Every day. And what makes this do-able is that I always start from the “default”. Then on the day of R&R I let go of all of it and I relax, slow down, do other things, reflect, contemplate and “get perspective”.

Heft is what you need.

Heft is the four letter word that I wish I knew before the age of 30. It’s sometimes referred to as “heavy presence”, but that is cutting it short because it implies that others need to be present. Heft is about the feeling that you’re not easily thrown off balance (emotionally or physically). It’s close to that statement of Nietzsche, that “excess of strength is the only proof of strength”.

It’s about a possibility, but not the thing itself. It’s about that notion that every man has to some extent—-it’s that feeling that you can take on about 90% of the people you come across, either head on or by out-foxing. Of the other 10, you may decide to become friends with half of them and the other half you plain out avoid.

Heft is a sort of illusion that you carry within. And I always believe that it’s good to tell yourself “little lies” that are not true, so that you have something to live up to. This truly is the sort of healthy illusion that can carry you places. Heft will give you confidence, and it will result in people approaching you in a certain way. The approach is not of an equal, but what can be very powerful in the right situation. There will be certain people who will approach you with a certain trepidation and fear.

The way to get heft to an extent is just about “deciding” that it is something you want to have. It’s also the result of a “lived experience”, and the way that you handled those situations. So this is also about “deciding” to put yourself in certain situations that will allow you to get “rough and tough”.

And what made a huge difference for me personally is asking myself questions like “is this big enough?”, “how will this make me look?”, “how do I win this war?”, “is this the best use of my time?”, “am I performing at max capacity?”. Questions like these will not just help you to figure out where you stand, but also what you’re made of.

And maybe out of all of them “is it big enough?” is the key question. Because I believe that life should always move forward. The next project should always be bigger and more complex than the one before. If it isn’t then it’s time to do something else. And if you just realize that heft is something that you acquire over the years, then you will actually end up with more of it because you simply want it (if that makes sense). And that is exactly what “heft” will get you, if you manage to harness its potential.

What do you want to be known for?

I always thought that three of the hardest questions that everyone has to figure out for themselves are: 1) what career do you want to pursue?, 2) who do you want to marry?, 3) where do you want to live? But there is a fourth, 4) what do you want to be known for? and it’s the one that “ties them all together”, because it has more to do with “who you are” and what you “really want out of life”.

And this is hard.

All three questions are hard.

And you can always change your answer to 1-3, but it gets harder the longer you stick with them.

So for years I thought that I wanted to be known as “the creator of an epic science-fiction series”. I never really said it in public, but it was how I felt. It was what I aimed at, and well, I have been writing for a few years, but over the years it felt less and less like the “thing” that I wanted.

So I started putting it in the back of my mind, and I narrowed it down to two choices: 1 “Clear Thinker”, or 2 “Original Thinker”. The artist in me wants 2, but the strategist in me wants 1. So I will stick with 1, because I think that I will be able to reach more people with 1, and I will therefore be able to have “a larger impact on humanity” with 1.

I do think that the first three big questions are more private, and the fourth is what you present to the outside world. The first three are all about creating an unfair advantage, and the fourth is all about shooting for the moon. And I do believe that you will have to be radical about all four: you will have to feel “good” about all four of these in order to excel in life.

That’s why it’s essential to figure out all four of these questions. And your answer has to be brief. If it’s long, then you haven’t figured it out yet. And it has to be forward facing, there has to be an upside towards the future.

So, nice to meet you, I’m Jelmer, “Clear Thinker”, what about you?

The Power is Rising.

There is this wonderful phrase of Nietzsche: “the only proof of strength is the excess of strength”. To me this is the difference between barely being able to do something and a speedrun. It’s the difference between barely being able to play level 1, versus completing it perfectly in 43 seconds. The difference in skill between those two is so vast that they are almost impossible to compare.

The “key” here is that this is about “skills”.

This is about things that you can acquire if you put your mind to it.

That. And some blood, sweat and tears.

The shift is between the two ends of where we all start with new projects, and where we aspire to end up. And this is exactly what this phrase means to me: it’s all about the point where it is tangible that things are falling into place. Where it just seems that everything is lined up perfectly and that “things are finally happening”.

This is where the “power is rising” gets real. This is where you just feel that all these small iterations over a very long time are finally paying off. This is where the “object” that you wanted in the beginning comes within reach. And this is also why the “power is rising” is more impactful than the actual win itself.

And I think this has to do with the fact that a win is usually just an “instant”, but the run towards the win is way longer, and where you can anticipate what will happen next. Where it gets interesting is that the “power is rising” is the perfect “heat to put the squeeze” on a next project.

The win will come around anyway, but it’s usually more important to anticipate your next move. The timing has to be right though, because otherwise it will just feel like you are a “machine” and there is no time to breathe. But if you start the next project when your current big project is at two-thirds, then when you do complete the project: then you can celebrate, knowing that you are well on your way to realizing your next win as well.

There is this old saying that “rise and fall” are a pair, or that a fat loss usually is more likely to happen after a big fat win. I like this phrase, because it makes me both cautious and it makes me want to taunt my fate. But it also makes me aware that there have to be guardians at the gate.

Initially I thought that “rise and fall” mostly has to do with the fact that your guard is down after a win. Competitors will see this as a weakness, and they will be ready to exploit it. Maybe it is, to an extent. Maybe it’s also what you look for, to an extent. All of that becomes essential when you start playing longer games, but recognizing the feeling of the “power is rising” is essential because you can then use this as a launching pad for what comes next.

And that’s the wonderful thing about “everything”: we always want to go bigger. The ceiling of what life can be will then be way higher than you ever imagined it before.

Do the right thing, not the easy

In life we are always inclined to play it safe, and to do what is easy. There was this statistic a minute ago that even gather-hunter-societies spend most of their time sitting down. Taking it easy (or maybe taking a rest as well).

I think that to a very large extent this has to do with our cultural programming. And I heard it put the best way last week in terms of failure-tolerance: Americans have a high tolerance of failure (“well, at least you tried!), versus Europeans who have a low tolerance of failure (“you should have stayed in your lane ;-).

And this is so true, and it has taken me so long to get over this, and to actually recognize that this is what was going on. But also that so much of it is bs to begin with.

When I started working towards realizing my “moon-shots”, doing the “wild” stuff that I would really want to spend my life on—a large part of the reason for doing it the way that I did (basically besides my paid job), als has to do with this same principle. And now that I have a family to run, I am becoming even more risk-adverse, and am even less willing to put it all on the line for “what I truly believe in”.

But there is also a very subtle shift going on here: because grinding 40 hours for a pay-check, and 20 for my “moon-shots” does guarantee a financially easy life. And that is really something that I want my kids to have. They may be too small now to really see it, but when they get a little older they will really pick up on who is “well off”, versus who is “struggling”.

But I’m also a firm believer in “naming it then taming it”. So I have been taking risks for a decade, and no I haven’t made it big yet. The first time around I was pretty worried that trying things out would hurt my reputation, but the reality was that no one really seemed to care. This was a huge eye-opener, and also a way to get easier on myself: yes, I can try things out, and yes I will fail many times, but there is still this little voice in the back of my head that keeps on telling me that there “has to be a way” (or my other favorite: “this ain’t my finest hour just yet”).

So that’s more or less the reason why I keep on grinding hard. I want a good life now (not necessarily easy), and I want a better life in the future. I think that by grinding in the present, you increase the likelihood of a better life in the future. And that’s sort of what I picked up on over the years: “an easy life is actually harder”.

If you are struggling financially, then there is always this very subtle stressor in the back of your mind. And there are these statistics that kids who grow up in a poor household have “higher blood-pressure”, and I can imagine the same for adults. On top of that, being struggling financially also means you can’t do less fun things, and that you basically have a “lower quality of life”.

But it’s even bigger than that (it always has to be!). In life we have to live up to our own standards, our own code. If you can’t feel good about the person that you see in the mirror, then you have failed miserably. So if you manage to feel good and better about yourself and what you are doing, then this will spread out to the people around you . You will be a better spouse, a better parent, a better friend, inn short; a better person.

And then everything will sort of fall into place. Confidence. Reputation. Respect. Admiration. All that good stuff that is so hard to acquire, and then when you do all this, when you grind hard, when you keep going, when you play the long game, then booooooooom: it’s all right there. Like it just fell into your lap. Now, ain’t that something?

Nothing like a good storm.

Dead tired, worn out, stretched out thin. Or just “wired and tired”. We have all been there, especially towards the end of the week. Or even just a miserable long Tuesday that doesn’t seem to come to an end. For years, when I never really got tired, I always thought of it as “an admirable state”. But my mind has changed on that.

Over the years I have become much more even keeled. And to some degree with this mental image that I always have in the back of my mind of “being on ship in a mighty storm” is key to that. When I’m out on the deck it’s all hard work, everything just needs to be done. But then I retreat to my cabin (on the ship!) and all of a sudden everything is gone. It’s like taking a side-step, to take a breath and to reconnect.

I tried different mental images but they never really work quite the same. An oil platform entirely misses that notion of moving from a to b. An apartment in a massive skyscraper misses this as well. And so does a cabin in the woods, at least as a mental image to retreat to while a storm is raging.

What I like about being out on the deck is that it’s a high-stakes situation. A few wrong steps and you’re in the water. Decisions need to be made quickly, meaning that the stress is on. And that’s why I discovered over the years that you never really know yourself until you’re in a high-stress situation.

What I also like about “a ship in a storm” is that it implies that it’s a relative short duration. The high stress and high stakes require enormous effort, with potentially huge outcomes. But it also implies that it’s a short duration. And for me this is a key component: when the time is right, I will thrive in such situations. But that’s not all the time. Because a storm means more “reacting” than “acting”, and I much rather play my games from an “acting”-point.

And that’s the thing with storms in general. If it’s a good one, you will remember fragments, and most of all how it felt, who you were there with and what went on. That’s why your ability to stand your ground under such stress is a very powerful way to build your confidence and self-image. Because storms are so rare, the way that you act in a ship on a storm stands out more, because it is even more rare.

Then maybe the mental image of “a ship in a storm” is also a way to prepare yourself for your finest hour. The saying goes that most men are not well prepared when that time comes, and maybe this mental image can also be your way to be ten steps ahead of everyone else. So consider “a ship in a storm”, carry it around with you for a while, and just see what happens. 

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The Greatness of Men

I read Kierkegaard, Nietzsche and Sartre when I was 19, and so should you. Especially if you are 19. Or if you can vividly remember what “IT” was like when you were 19. One year into officially being an adult, inching towards this illusion that you know how “the world works”. This is a great illusion, and it's the sort that gives us the courage to go out there and to do bold things.

Nietzsche has some awesome one-liners that will take you years to fully understand and appreciate. Take this one: “the greatness of men is in his ability to resist a stimulus”. You got to take a fat minute to let that one sink in. Initially you might think about “social media” (why not, right), or maybe you think about irl where you “count to 10”, or where you have a nice cheese-cake in the fridge and you have to resist eating it all.

Well, it’s all of those things.

And it’s way more than just those things.

Let’s add news (entertainment made to be addictive, taking up mental space that you might use towards “better things”). Let’s explore social media some more (zombie-scrolling, so why not “create more than you consume”). Let’s explore coming home after work (crashing on the couch with a six-pack, or taking a quick espresso and engaging in sports). You get the idea.

So the “resist” isn’t just about resisting, but it’s about “choosing”, it’s about “dedication” of “one thing over the other”. And this is why Nietzsche was classified as an existentialist at heart: life is all about dedicating meaning to “our existence”. And the only way to do that is to make a decision of one thing over the other.

The greatest way to get a feel for this is by reading, because it always makes me think of a book that’s described by most as a “mood-piece”. It’s the beginning of The Dark Tower, and in my opinion the only part of the series that’s really worth reading. It’s early Stephen King and I like it because there is more left to the imagination: the imagery is painted with a wide brush, leaving a lot up to the imagination of the reader (versus the other parts of The Dark Tower, which are imo too detailed, and the imagination is not left wondering as much).

What I’m referring to here is The Gunslinger and more than anything else it’s a journey through the desert. It’s unforgiving. It’s raw. And “IT” forces you to re-think what’s really important: it forces you to make sure to figure out a path to make sure you don’t get lost (and die because of hunger or dehydration). So maybe “the greatness of men” here also refers to the ability to choose a path, to forge it, and to hang on for the wild ride.

What leaning in on clarity and predictability will do for you

I always thought that leading wasn’t for me. But that was until I realized that we all need to lead in some capacity. Most of us shy away from leadership, because we believe that it something that we can’t do, or don’t have to do. But this is wrong. It is essential in our universal quest for reputation and power. Here is the secret: it’s more of a skill than you think.

When I was younger I always thought that leadership was simply the same as being “dominant”. And of course, there is that leadership-style, and there situations where it may not just work, but where it is required. Which is not most situations, and maybe that’s why it never really clicked with me.

If you have read any of my posts, then you may know that I’m the sort of person who likes think in terms of strategies. Most of my “professional life” is what I like to approach as a game, and I prefer it to be the sort where cunning and strategy is what will make me excel at this game.

To some (an outsider) it may seem that I’m being lazy, but that’s not my intent. I learned early on in my career that I shouldn’t try to find “satisfaction” in my job, but that it’s way more effective to look for satisfaction in other areas of my life. So that’s family-life, friends, but also my version of the “life of the mind”, or what I like to refer to as my “moon-shots”.

So what I always try to do in my professional life is to get maximum results with the least amount of mental energy, effort and time. Once this clicked, that this is what works for me, there was no going back. At that time, it wasn’t just that the job became more of a job (if that makes sense), but I actually became way better. I made it less “emotional”, and maybe because of that I became more effective (which isn’t to say that emotions weren’t involved, because they should be in anything worthwhile).

What I discovered after a few years is that being “dominant” isn’t just “not me”, but that it’s also not effective. What is effective is leaning into two things: clarity and predictability. This is what people crave more than anything, because it’s tied in to one of the most basic human needs: safety.

The key difference here is that “safety” isn’t actionable, I mean, how do you “do” safety? “Clarity” and “predictability” on the other hand are, because it’s do-able to figure out a system.

Clarity is all about communication. It’s about being understood. So this means: easy words, shorts sentences, simple structure, stories from a to b, clear articulation, double checking whether you are being understood, clear eye contact, and being fully present.

Predictability is all about rituals. This is what builds culture, and what creates strong groups. This is more personal, but it may mean always starting with a few warm welcome words, stating objectives, setting clearly defined goals, setting time-limits, starting meetings with a drum roll or some sort of one-liner, catch-phrase or jingle.

Once your focus is on these two areas, the rest sort of happens by itself. The reason here is that you have given people what they want, and you are sort of tied in to this. So by sticking to this, you are the one who is orchestrating this, and without stating anything, this puts you in control.

And after this where all the bigger stuff comes into play, such as leading by example, defining norms, incorporating a sense of humor, adding your own style and all that good stuff. The one thing that you shouldn’t do is to ask people “what they want” or “what works for them”. This is mistake that many make, and it never works.

There is a place for this, but it isn’t a group setting. And this is one of the things that I also figured out by trial and error, but starting these sorts of discussions (“what do you want”) will be endless. And what happens is that it undermines your leadership, because instead of you providing clarity and predictability, you are giving these powerful tools away. And if you are unlucky there will be an individual in the group that you have before you who can sort of smell your “weakness”.

And this is maybe the one thing that ties it all together. We are way more “primal” than we like to admit. By posting the question “what do you want”, you indirectly communicate that “you don’t know” (uncertainty, not safety) and this can never be a line that is used in leadership. This will be perceived as weakness, and this is the surest way to undermine not just your authority, but something worse: it will erode your reputation.

And guess what the individual will do who smells “weakness”: they will lean into clarity and predictability. This is exactly what Machiavelli means when he talks about taking over the reign by “killing the king”: you keep things as they are, with clarity and predictability, and then over time you can adjust here and there if needed.