Do the right thing, not the easy

In life we are always inclined to play it safe, and to do what is easy. There was this statistic a minute ago that even gather-hunter-societies spend most of their time sitting down. Taking it easy (or maybe taking a rest as well).

I think that to a very large extent this has to do with our cultural programming. And I heard it put the best way last week in terms of failure-tolerance: Americans have a high tolerance of failure (“well, at least you tried!), versus Europeans who have a low tolerance of failure (“you should have stayed in your lane ;-).

And this is so true, and it has taken me so long to get over this, and to actually recognize that this is what was going on. But also that so much of it is bs to begin with.

When I started working towards realizing my “moon-shots”, doing the “wild” stuff that I would really want to spend my life on—a large part of the reason for doing it the way that I did (basically besides my paid job), als has to do with this same principle. And now that I have a family to run, I am becoming even more risk-adverse, and am even less willing to put it all on the line for “what I truly believe in”.

But there is also a very subtle shift going on here: because grinding 40 hours for a pay-check, and 20 for my “moon-shots” does guarantee a financially easy life. And that is really something that I want my kids to have. They may be too small now to really see it, but when they get a little older they will really pick up on who is “well off”, versus who is “struggling”.

But I’m also a firm believer in “naming it then taming it”. So I have been taking risks for a decade, and no I haven’t made it big yet. The first time around I was pretty worried that trying things out would hurt my reputation, but the reality was that no one really seemed to care. This was a huge eye-opener, and also a way to get easier on myself: yes, I can try things out, and yes I will fail many times, but there is still this little voice in the back of my head that keeps on telling me that there “has to be a way” (or my other favorite: “this ain’t my finest hour just yet”).

So that’s more or less the reason why I keep on grinding hard. I want a good life now (not necessarily easy), and I want a better life in the future. I think that by grinding in the present, you increase the likelihood of a better life in the future. And that’s sort of what I picked up on over the years: “an easy life is actually harder”.

If you are struggling financially, then there is always this very subtle stressor in the back of your mind. And there are these statistics that kids who grow up in a poor household have “higher blood-pressure”, and I can imagine the same for adults. On top of that, being struggling financially also means you can’t do less fun things, and that you basically have a “lower quality of life”.

But it’s even bigger than that (it always has to be!). In life we have to live up to our own standards, our own code. If you can’t feel good about the person that you see in the mirror, then you have failed miserably. So if you manage to feel good and better about yourself and what you are doing, then this will spread out to the people around you . You will be a better spouse, a better parent, a better friend, inn short; a better person.

And then everything will sort of fall into place. Confidence. Reputation. Respect. Admiration. All that good stuff that is so hard to acquire, and then when you do all this, when you grind hard, when you keep going, when you play the long game, then booooooooom: it’s all right there. Like it just fell into your lap. Now, ain’t that something?

Nothing like a good storm.

Dead tired, worn out, stretched out thin. Or just “wired and tired”. We have all been there, especially towards the end of the week. Or even just a miserable long Tuesday that doesn’t seem to come to an end. For years, when I never really got tired, I always thought of it as “an admirable state”. But my mind has changed on that.

Over the years I have become much more even keeled. And to some degree with this mental image that I always have in the back of my mind of “being on ship in a mighty storm” is key to that. When I’m out on the deck it’s all hard work, everything just needs to be done. But then I retreat to my cabin (on the ship!) and all of a sudden everything is gone. It’s like taking a side-step, to take a breath and to reconnect.

I tried different mental images but they never really work quite the same. An oil platform entirely misses that notion of moving from a to b. An apartment in a massive skyscraper misses this as well. And so does a cabin in the woods, at least as a mental image to retreat to while a storm is raging.

What I like about being out on the deck is that it’s a high-stakes situation. A few wrong steps and you’re in the water. Decisions need to be made quickly, meaning that the stress is on. And that’s why I discovered over the years that you never really know yourself until you’re in a high-stress situation.

What I also like about “a ship in a storm” is that it implies that it’s a relative short duration. The high stress and high stakes require enormous effort, with potentially huge outcomes. But it also implies that it’s a short duration. And for me this is a key component: when the time is right, I will thrive in such situations. But that’s not all the time. Because a storm means more “reacting” than “acting”, and I much rather play my games from an “acting”-point.

And that’s the thing with storms in general. If it’s a good one, you will remember fragments, and most of all how it felt, who you were there with and what went on. That’s why your ability to stand your ground under such stress is a very powerful way to build your confidence and self-image. Because storms are so rare, the way that you act in a ship on a storm stands out more, because it is even more rare.

Then maybe the mental image of “a ship in a storm” is also a way to prepare yourself for your finest hour. The saying goes that most men are not well prepared when that time comes, and maybe this mental image can also be your way to be ten steps ahead of everyone else. So consider “a ship in a storm”, carry it around with you for a while, and just see what happens. 

 Watch the video:

 

The Greatness of Men

I read Kierkegaard, Nietzsche and Sartre when I was 19, and so should you. Especially if you are 19. Or if you can vividly remember what “IT” was like when you were 19. One year into officially being an adult, inching towards this illusion that you know how “the world works”. This is a great illusion, and it's the sort that gives us the courage to go out there and to do bold things.

Nietzsche has some awesome one-liners that will take you years to fully understand and appreciate. Take this one: “the greatness of men is in his ability to resist a stimulus”. You got to take a fat minute to let that one sink in. Initially you might think about “social media” (why not, right), or maybe you think about irl where you “count to 10”, or where you have a nice cheese-cake in the fridge and you have to resist eating it all.

Well, it’s all of those things.

And it’s way more than just those things.

Let’s add news (entertainment made to be addictive, taking up mental space that you might use towards “better things”). Let’s explore social media some more (zombie-scrolling, so why not “create more than you consume”). Let’s explore coming home after work (crashing on the couch with a six-pack, or taking a quick espresso and engaging in sports). You get the idea.

So the “resist” isn’t just about resisting, but it’s about “choosing”, it’s about “dedication” of “one thing over the other”. And this is why Nietzsche was classified as an existentialist at heart: life is all about dedicating meaning to “our existence”. And the only way to do that is to make a decision of one thing over the other.

The greatest way to get a feel for this is by reading, because it always makes me think of a book that’s described by most as a “mood-piece”. It’s the beginning of The Dark Tower, and in my opinion the only part of the series that’s really worth reading. It’s early Stephen King and I like it because there is more left to the imagination: the imagery is painted with a wide brush, leaving a lot up to the imagination of the reader (versus the other parts of The Dark Tower, which are imo too detailed, and the imagination is not left wondering as much).

What I’m referring to here is The Gunslinger and more than anything else it’s a journey through the desert. It’s unforgiving. It’s raw. And “IT” forces you to re-think what’s really important: it forces you to make sure to figure out a path to make sure you don’t get lost (and die because of hunger or dehydration). So maybe “the greatness of men” here also refers to the ability to choose a path, to forge it, and to hang on for the wild ride.

What leaning in on clarity and predictability will do for you

I always thought that leading wasn’t for me. But that was until I realized that we all need to lead in some capacity. Most of us shy away from leadership, because we believe that it something that we can’t do, or don’t have to do. But this is wrong. It is essential in our universal quest for reputation and power. Here is the secret: it’s more of a skill than you think.

When I was younger I always thought that leadership was simply the same as being “dominant”. And of course, there is that leadership-style, and there situations where it may not just work, but where it is required. Which is not most situations, and maybe that’s why it never really clicked with me.

If you have read any of my posts, then you may know that I’m the sort of person who likes think in terms of strategies. Most of my “professional life” is what I like to approach as a game, and I prefer it to be the sort where cunning and strategy is what will make me excel at this game.

To some (an outsider) it may seem that I’m being lazy, but that’s not my intent. I learned early on in my career that I shouldn’t try to find “satisfaction” in my job, but that it’s way more effective to look for satisfaction in other areas of my life. So that’s family-life, friends, but also my version of the “life of the mind”, or what I like to refer to as my “moon-shots”.

So what I always try to do in my professional life is to get maximum results with the least amount of mental energy, effort and time. Once this clicked, that this is what works for me, there was no going back. At that time, it wasn’t just that the job became more of a job (if that makes sense), but I actually became way better. I made it less “emotional”, and maybe because of that I became more effective (which isn’t to say that emotions weren’t involved, because they should be in anything worthwhile).

What I discovered after a few years is that being “dominant” isn’t just “not me”, but that it’s also not effective. What is effective is leaning into two things: clarity and predictability. This is what people crave more than anything, because it’s tied in to one of the most basic human needs: safety.

The key difference here is that “safety” isn’t actionable, I mean, how do you “do” safety? “Clarity” and “predictability” on the other hand are, because it’s do-able to figure out a system.

Clarity is all about communication. It’s about being understood. So this means: easy words, shorts sentences, simple structure, stories from a to b, clear articulation, double checking whether you are being understood, clear eye contact, and being fully present.

Predictability is all about rituals. This is what builds culture, and what creates strong groups. This is more personal, but it may mean always starting with a few warm welcome words, stating objectives, setting clearly defined goals, setting time-limits, starting meetings with a drum roll or some sort of one-liner, catch-phrase or jingle.

Once your focus is on these two areas, the rest sort of happens by itself. The reason here is that you have given people what they want, and you are sort of tied in to this. So by sticking to this, you are the one who is orchestrating this, and without stating anything, this puts you in control.

And after this where all the bigger stuff comes into play, such as leading by example, defining norms, incorporating a sense of humor, adding your own style and all that good stuff. The one thing that you shouldn’t do is to ask people “what they want” or “what works for them”. This is mistake that many make, and it never works.

There is a place for this, but it isn’t a group setting. And this is one of the things that I also figured out by trial and error, but starting these sorts of discussions (“what do you want”) will be endless. And what happens is that it undermines your leadership, because instead of you providing clarity and predictability, you are giving these powerful tools away. And if you are unlucky there will be an individual in the group that you have before you who can sort of smell your “weakness”.

And this is maybe the one thing that ties it all together. We are way more “primal” than we like to admit. By posting the question “what do you want”, you indirectly communicate that “you don’t know” (uncertainty, not safety) and this can never be a line that is used in leadership. This will be perceived as weakness, and this is the surest way to undermine not just your authority, but something worse: it will erode your reputation.

And guess what the individual will do who smells “weakness”: they will lean into clarity and predictability. This is exactly what Machiavelli means when he talks about taking over the reign by “killing the king”: you keep things as they are, with clarity and predictability, and then over time you can adjust here and there if needed.

When it is time to walk away.

One of the most under-rated words in any language is the word “no”, because it provides perfect clarity that you will stop doing something. It’s the declaration that you will walk away.

Now it doesn’t so much mean that you will leave a hole in your life (well, maybe just a little bit..). In the long run it means that you will change course, and that you will continue with something else that will give you the excitement that you need to stay interested.

I always thought that the situations to say “no” were the “screaming in your face instances” where it is obvious without a doubt that not changing course would lead to severe loss or harm. But over the years I have come to realize that this was the wrong assumption.

If you’re in a job that you don’t like, or if you’re in a relationship that goes nowhere, or if you live in a town that hasn’t much to offer. Then it’s very easy to say “no”, and when you look back you will always think the same: I should have done this way sooner.

But what about the situations where things are not great, but they are not terribly bad either. Let’s say that you have settled for a job, where you have reached a plateau and where you earn enough to live comfortably. There is no harm in not changing course, but you are not exactly making progress either. How do you decide in such a situation to say “no”?

I really think that these are the more tricky situations, and in a way they are like a bad movie. It’s not so bad that you stop watching, but there isn’t much surprise and excitement, and the ending falls completely flat. It’s the entertainment that’s “just good enough”, and that seems a very poor way to live your life by.

And you might just say like, “well, that’s part of life”, or, “a part of life is just to settle for something”. (and let this sink in….!). Really!?

And I’m no exception, because I’m square in the middle of it. But what made me decide to go along with this was the very simple fact that not saying “no” provides maximum financial security for my family.

But I fully realize that this isn’t much of a reason not to say “no”. And maybe there is something to it to just simplify situations like these into something like this: “if it’s not a yesyesyes!, then it’s time to say no”.

I really think there is something there, and it made me think about the ways to execute “no”. I always thought that “no” has to be a radical act, but I realized that it might just as well be a slow burn.

If you are working towards turning things around, while sticking with the old for just a while longer. That’s what I would call a “slow burn no”. It may turn into a “radical no” when it’s time to actually take the leap, but until then: slow and steady is the way to go.

The most obvious “no” is of course your day-job, a little less obvious are where you live, or who you associate with. The least obvious, and maybe the hardst “no” is that of your “moon-shot”, because by definition that’s something that is extremely hard, so it also makes it extremely hard to figure out whether you are getting ahead.

And this is what I figured out over the years: I have become quicker to say “no” in case of “moon-shots”, and I wish I had done so sooner. In all other cases, my “no” is more of a slow-burn, until it’s time to get radical.

Why everyone should pursue their “moon-shots”

When I entered working life it wasn’t after long that I realized that there were a million “traps”. There are the office politics, social games and frustrations of all sorts. That’s just a few. One of the biggest traps was to expect the job to get you the feeling of “accomplishment” that we all need to keep on going on a day to day basis.

A job can’t give you that. A job is first and foremost about money. If you put too much stock in a job, then you put the bar way too high. Then every day needs to better than the one before. And that’s just not sustainable.

Well, that’s just one of the things that you have to figure out the hard way. I did at least. And I learned my lesson, because it all changed when I made the following conscious decision: I will work 40 hours for my paid job, and 20 hours for my moon-shot.

So what I call a “moon-shot” is the “wildly ambitious”. It’s my version of being an astronaut. It’s the one thing that so outrageously hard to accomplish that it’s almost impossible. So what is that? Well. Initially--- I thought that it would be to conquer “psychology” or “philosophy”, even though I knew in the back of my mind what I wanted to get a go at.

That’s when I started writing, and as it is with everything that you just start: the first stuff was pretty bad. I called it literature, because there was no story from a to b, and it wasn’t really about something. Then my uncle told me that a story should be simple, not a puzzle. I took it to heart, and started looking for examples.

That’s how I ended up getting back into Stephen King. It had always been down my alley, because it had always been “around”. Also side-ways, because I grew up watching The X-Files and all that. And it just so happens to be that Stephen King is a really good writer. The stories are easy to follow along, because they follow an easy structure and use easy words.

So that’s what I started to lean into for the next five years or so. I published 5 novels. Then after they all fell flat on publication, I realized that I had to get a hold of marketing. So for the next two years I tried YouTube. Got some data-points, but time is scarce, and I can’t act on them now. So here I am: back to this old blog, twitter and reddit.

The dream is still there though. I still call it a “moon-shot”, but my whole point is that I would never have been able to pursue those ambitions if I hadn’t dedicated the time and resources to them in the first place. And more importantly, even though I haven’t achieved any success, my moon-shots have given me more of a feeling of accomplishment than my job ever has. And that’s a big take-away, also for me.

So this is my advise to anyone who has just entered the work-force: 40 hours for the job, and 20 hours towards your moon-shot. Your “moon-shot” is where you will find your “true fulfillment”.

What living abroad for 10+ years has taught me

 

 

Let’s start with the good stuff, because there definitely is that element of my life having move forward in ways that I could never have imagined. There is the wife, the kids, the house, two cars and a life of luxury that I would never have imagined.

It is after all most of the reason why I stayed for so long. Initially my plan was to just live abroad for 3 years, and then to return home. Then I settled in, three years became five, then ten, and now at twelve years I both make up the score and have like this grand view that I never imagined that I would have had before.

A year ago I made a very serious effort to return home, but despite what everyone tells you about the job market (jobs everywhere!) there is this gnarly part that no one discusses. There is the part of wages being pretty much what they were about 10+ years ago, but what has gone through the roof is cost of living. But this is what I want to end with, so more on that later.

The one big thing that living abroad for so long has gotten me is perspective. I literally removed myself from one culture and implanted myself in a culture that’s in many ways very different. There is this little psychological mechanism that we tend to prefer what we are exposed to, and I think that all the ins and outs of the culture that we grew up in are just some of the areas where this applies.

And I think that the effect of this most of all is that I believe that it has made me more “aware”, for lack of a better term. So for example, when I went into college the going was to just “do something you like”. Which in itself is solid advise, but what it completely misses is the very practical effect of making enough to live comfortably.

So for the first five years of my working live, I lived in derelict buildings that were designated “below current standards”. I didn’t have a car, because I couldn’t afford one. I had no savings, and most notably I lived paycheck to paycheck. And I without a doubt believed that this was normal, because everyone I knew went through the same thing.

And this became one of the big differences when I moved abroad: I continued living like I did (well below my means), and I ended up being able to build a decent living. Had I stayed at home, this would not have happened, or at least not to this extent.

But this only happened because I “stuck it out”, because there were those bouts of feeling homesick that all expats go through. It comes in waves that get smaller over time. I thought they would disappear over time, but I figured out that they don’t.

The easy thing would be to give in to those “waves” when they come, and that’s what I have seen frequently over the years. But that’s not how life works. Live is about doing the hard things, because that’s ultimately the only thing that makes a difference. It’s the easy that is sometimes cringe, but the hard things always have this vibe of “but at least I tried”.

And that’s also why living abroad has allowed me to explore my moon-shots. These are the big ambitious projects that will only pay off in the future, if they pay off. Sometimes my wife likes me to spend more time with her, but I always tell her that “at least I’m not wasting away doing nothing”. She buys into it a bit, but totally get that she doesn’t see the pay-off as yet.

But those moon-shots are really essential towards doubling down on something that’s really hard. I figured out pretty quick that I don’t want that in my job, because then it quickly becomes a burden. A job should be a challenge and give some fulfillment, but it shouldn’t be a major fulfillment.

The “major fulfillment” is more about the important stuff, like the family that you build and also about the moon-shot that you can pour a lot of time, effort and energy into. Just to give you an idea: I spent a few years “getting into psychology/philosophy, taking courses”, I spent five years learning to “write like Stephen King” and I published 5 novels, I spend 2 years getting into YouTube, and my current moon-shot is to start something online that has “a larger impact on humanity”.

I’m still in the figuring out the process. At first I thought that it would all depend on digital marketing, but I’m starting to realize that it’s way more nuanced than just that. I believe that it’s going to depend on gathering a whole lot of “data-points” that will give an indication of “what works”. But it’s also about balance, because there has to be that element of just creating something that I fully believe in.

My best case scenario long-term: the “data-points” allow me to make “something that people want”, freeing up bandwidth (and a percentage of my audience) towards what I really want to do long-term, which is to expand my fictional universe and to continue writing.

And that brings me back to my “general feeling” and conclusion way in the beginning. About two years ago I was struck by this profound wave of feeling home-sick, so I started exploring job opportunities back home. That’s when I realized that we are in a recession, even though there are a lot of job openings. Wages have stayed so far behind with the cost of living that the financial step back would be a huge financial sacrifice.

Now before you write me off: “this dude is just complaining about living the life in paradise”. I’m just being real, and if you would put yourself in my shoes then you might have made the same decision. It’s the difference between letting my kids grow up in wealth and abundance, versus stress and struggle. And putting it like that makes it very obvious that going back home simply isn’t an option at this point in time.

And yes, moving forward in life always depends on “re-inventing yourself”. And yes, sometimes you have to be willing to put things on the line. But also, you have to be practical, and there will have to be enough indicators that what your moving towards is a pivot and not a nose-dive.

So these in so many words are the three things that living abroad has gotten me: 1) a comfortable life, 2) the grit to make the hard choice, and 3) time to explore moon-shots.